11 February 2020
Little Ann’s first appearance on the blog. Welcome to the blog Little Ann1 It’s pretty surreal to sit here and write that she’s our dog. Wait, I have a dog? My very own dog? She’s wonderful! I joke occasionally that she’s a “gimme from the universe” what I mean by that is that having her has been easy and that’s something to say! I don’t think most people talk about their dog being “easy”. Don’t you find it kind of crazy when easy things feel hard and then occasionaly hard stuff turns out to be pretty easy? Life can be funny like that. Well my idea of having a dog with three young boys was that it would be really hard and most of my friends and loved ones said, “don’t do it!” Well it’s only been 8 months but we are so glad we got her. She’s added a lot, best said she really raises the vibe. Last dog note and then I’ll move on, today I was calling her, I knew she knew this was the “time to get the boys to school” moment but she wouldn’t come she stayed under the bed. I was like dang it Ann I need you to buffer the boys after school energy . It was a no go. I just let her stay. Dogs are actually quite tricky to photograph by the way, I’m getting better. If you are wondering if this post is an indicator that I am back on the blog… honestly I don’t know. It sure sounded nice though making a post. I am still over at mettlebrain.com posting my podcast episodes. I’ve got 38 episodes out now. Yes that’s where I’ve been the last two years. Feel free to check it out, I’m on Spotify and iTunes, etc. etc.
Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi and 9 other people died in a helicopter crash this month. We were on our way to Laguna to grab coffee at Zinc when we got the news, by happenstance all the boys and Ryan had their Laker gear on. Kobe Bryant lives here in Newport Beach and the entire community was heartbroken. Still even weeks later, I can’t believe that happened. There were so many tears. It was collective grief- for a solid week at least is what I felt in our house and around us. Everyday that passed I thought is this the day where I can emerge? Devastating. The entire thing was such a slap in the face reminder that I don’t have control- all my attachments- my attempts of being connected! I try and use my intuition and connect to anything bigger than myself but it’s still shocking that ultimately we can simply not exist in a split second- no matter how much money, power, love, health you have. Oh right… what I forgot? Maybe, in my delusional view of reality I forgot that it can be just like that. I feel there are so many instances that happen in life where things go horribly wrong but ultimately you can fix it. There was so much loss that day all these families changed forever and there is no capacity to change it. How do we be grateful for things we already have? I know you can meditate and imagine them gone but seriously it’s the whole fish can’t appreciate the water because he doesn’t know life without it dynamic and the fish can’t really know it without the absence of water. I want to be able to do this in my life. At this point I can’t even fathom life without just one of my boys let alone losing Ryan. Okay, I know this probably exposes all my control issues. I cried A LOT, a week later and I cried myself to sleep after that first Laker game. By the end of the day I am so tired and then watching the tribute. The tears started and I just could not regroup. I am grateful for the realization though of just how entitled I have been to thinking that this fragile existence that seems so safe and secure isn’t. I woke up in the middle night suddenly struck with the question, “What am I about?”
Ryan has been slowing working away at some art for the boys. It’s coming along. It’s a large piece but this is just a corner.
Royal got one of his much longed for mosaics made. So special. How cute is this turtle paper weight? Just orange clay, beans, and fixative. The boys really loved it. Truthfully, it was LONG overdue.
Finn was walking into school one day and it was literally the death march. It was NOT good. Something happened in me, it was like a knee jerk reaction, seconds before he walked in I said, “nope you are coming with me.” We went and got muddy, Finn announced that I’m officially “not old” and hopefully got him enough life force to brave fourth grade again. . Thanks Finn. I’m 32 years old, but boy do I feel old? Seriously. Royal is very concerned about my grey hairs. Me too Royal, me too. What am I going to do about that? This is a photo of our very muddy feet. Finn got lots of photos of my mud stained state but I will spare you.
Alright, I am really trying to stick to a sleep schedule. Sleep is seriously the magic bullet if you didn’t already know. Love you.